Date: Fri, 12 Sep 2008 12:51:01 -0500 (CDT)
From: Jeff Lane
Subject: The new McDonald’s
If you’re reading this, then two events of earth shattering and life ending proportions have come to pass with nary a hair lost in their wakes of death and destruction.
The first of these is the opening of the new McDonald’s on the Hwy 64 Bypass in Pittsboro. I read the cries of the many on the Chatham Chatlist in angered protest against McDs coming to town as person after person revealed their most intimate painful memories of how this mega-corporation had sewn the seeds of chaos in their lives.
Thus it was, that on the very first day it opened, I left work and drove directly to the lair of the beast. I had expected to find throngs of my like minded fellow protesters lined up around the new store chanting, holding signs and eating healthy vegan snacks. Instead, I simply found a line of cars wrapped around the building waiting for their turn at the squawk box to order their daily dose of saturated fat.
Even though I was disappointed that my vocal comrades did not show to voice the strong opinions they held anonymously online, I decided that I would become a one-man tornado of righteous vengeance upon them. I would swarm in in my best angry Arnold and give them a royal what-for. With my anger and rage firmly held in place, I stormed across the parking lot and entered.
I boldly strode to the counter and was immediately confronted by a veritable army of Chatham County teenagers diligently going about their tasks, taking the hard earned money of the impoverished community in exchange for their devil’s wares.
I looked the first girl I could firmly in the eye, and in my most vociferous manner proclaimed my ultimate distaste for their corporate meat machine, their unhealthy menu of mass-produced pseudo-food by saying “Yes, I’ll have a double quarter-pounder with cheese meal, please”.
They were well trained, I tell you. Their brainwashing was so complete that I feared I could not break the iron will of their clown-booted overlord. The counter girl looked me squarely in the eye and rebutted my opening fusillade by informing me of their very final price for the meal.
Well, this could not stand, so I quickly and expertly retorted her vain attempt to defend her untenable position by showering her hands with small green protest pamphlets featuring the portraits of some of the greatest leaders our country has ever known.
Our exchange concluded, she shrank back, knowing that she was wrong for foisting the false food upon me, for daring to bring such evil into the midst of our quaint country community. I know that as soon as I vacated the establishment, my meal firmly in tow, she reported her unsuccessful battle of wits against the enemy. I know that after my sternly worded ordering and paying, and the vehemence with which I eventually ripped that burger to shreds with my teeth, and the fury that burned in my gullet as I chased each tasty, cheesy bite with ice cold sweet tea they will soon be closing shop and running for the hills.
So fear not, my brothers in arms. I have won a decisive victory against the agents of chaos that would ruin our very way of live, those haters of freedom who would enslave us to inexpensive on-the-go meals, those purveyors of cheap, crunch and tasty fries. Oh yes, mark my words, they will rue the day they came to Pittsboro!
Oh, and that other world-ending event? Yeah, they fired up the Large Hadron Collider at CERN and we haven’t been sucked into a black hole yet… but time will tell, my friends, only time will tell.
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