Date: Sun, 9 Feb 2020 15:08:43 -0500
From: “N.A. Booko”
Subject: Keep on keeping on . . .
I suppose most of us, at one time or the other have had thoughts of dying. I know I have. More so lately. As I try and grasp the challenge of old age, the thought of death is always lingering somewhere in the dark hallways of my mind. I think maybe the worst part of those thoughts are the fear of dying a painful death. Illness, accidents and the like. Simply going to sleep and not waking up is a different feeling.
Five years ago, I was hospitalized for an illness that one doctor said to me “This could kill you”. When you are faced with an frank statement like that, you must quickly rearrange everything in your brain that you had planned before. What to do? What was important? Forget the taxes, forget the current interest on your account, forget your car needed to be inspected. Only a few things mattered- and I do mean it had been boiled down what was important. A precious few. Sure, i was in a lot of pain, but I tended to forget that pain, just trying to get it right in my mind that I might actually die maybe in the very near future.
I was in the hospital for a total of seven days. The first three days ‘they’ kept telling me they didn’t know what was wrong with me. Therefore, they didn’t know how to treat the illness. My stomach was swollen four times its normal size and hard as a rock. It was a lopsided swelling, located more to my right side. I had not spent a night in a hospital since 1968. The third day, seeing no indication of getting better, I lay in bed, drugged and seemingly at complete peace with the situation- I closed my eyes and for a moment I fell asleep. I awoke seconds later only to realize that it could be as simple as going to sleep. Dying and not knowing you are dying.
Living through all that changed my life. I no longer take for granted anything . . . But to say I live just for the day is troubling too. Because way back in the inner recesses of my mind, there are the lively thoughts of what I am going to do next week, next month and just how I cam going to swing that big expense of a failing household appliance and should I wear the red tee shirt with that tropical shirt and if I do, who is going to care, who is going to notice and just why should I care if they do.
There seem to be no answers to any of these . . except maybe “keep on Keeping on.” They say “Hope springs eternal”- Without hope, we are lost . . it keeps us going and in many cases, pushes us beyond just sitting there . . .
N.A. Booko
Spring is just around the corner- I noticed it in my step to the mailbox this morning . . .
2020-03-22